Is your house clean? Yes i’m sure it is. Sometimes I feel like I am the only SAHM that has a house that is in disarray.
My house is clean, no
t much dust, usually no dishes in the sink (Or at least only the dishes from that day) and everything is relatively in its place.
Here is the problem: I am an avid crafter, a person that has a million ideas that needs to get them all done at that exact moment, but actually (dare I say) procrastinates in regards to everything. “Oh I will do it later tonight, maybe tomorrow morning, no I swear I will do it tonight.” I don’t know why I do it, I think I have always done it, but I do it.
I would love to be like some of my other friends who have perfect houses and perfect living rooms, but then I remember that I am a mom and I have two small kids. My house used to be perfect. I used to have a perfect living room that sat perfectly clean and then I had two messy, dirty, absolutely wonderful babies. I would rather have a messy living room and happy kids than force them to clean up every little thing around them before they are done playing. I don’t want to worry that the place is a mess as they are playing because then I am crippling their imagination and putting those thoughts from my head into theirs.
I use a lot of the “motherhood” thing as an excuse though. I should get up and clean the dining room table (mine is always full of some craft that I am “working” on.) I should clean the bathroom more often, or make dinner every night for everyone, but my life is different now. I don’t want to use being sick as an excuse. It’s not really an excuse at all…most days I can hardly move but no one wants to hear someone complain on a daily basis. It’s annoying, boring and sadly, I feel, that it loses its oomph after time. If someone complains every day do you really believe on the 55th day that they are feeling shitty or do you think they are just a complainer. See???? So why do it at all? I have also been really REALLY down in the dumps lately. I have a lot rolling through my head a lot that I need to get out but I am waiting for my stupid appt in Dec. Yea I know DEC, it seems like forever away but at the same time it’s only about a month. I have been living with these feeling for years I guess one more month will be fine right?
Stupid thing is, I had an appt about a month ago and I cancelled it. I didn’t feel like crying that day… pro-cras-tin-ator! Damn me for not wanting to get out of the house. What the hell is wrong with me some days, God even I don’t know. I look up to the sky for guidance, I look all around me for help and it doesn’t seem to come some days. I know that there is a higher something to believe in but some days its harder than others.
I look at life in a positive way. I didn’t always and I have talked about that before, but I think that our daily lives are better if we focus on the good. It’s easier to get through a tough day if we do that. My problem is that when I get into bed at night the only thing I seem to focus on is the things I didn’t do during the day, the things I have left to do tomorrow and the 30 lists that I have started and said that I am going to finish that are still sitting in my stand by my chair. Then I start to get mad at myself and say that tomorrow will be different, that I will wake up and get it all done and be happy about it. My issue is this…. I have tons of energy at night. I could clean the entire house, do my crafts and still have energy to stay up for hours, but now that I have kids I can’t do that. I have to go to bed at a decent hour because I have to get the kids up for school. Sometimes I wish that they were really little again and I could stay up as late as I wanted, they would take naps during the day so it didn’t matter and then I am knocked back into reality when L asks me for dinner 🙂
I am tired of being a procrastinator, tired of being sick every day, tired of feeling like I am trapped with my ugly, scary feelings inside my head. I want to change, I want to be the person that I think I should be but I am also scared that if I change too much then the fate that has been set aside for me in life will be altered somehow. I am meant to be this person for a reason. It may be to teach my children a lesson, or I may never know the reason at all, but I believe that we were all made how we are for a reason. We all set out in this life to change everything about us and what we should be doing is embracing the things that make us different and unique.
I vow that I will work on the things that make me a bad person in my own mind. I will work on changing the negative thoughts I have about my image and myself and I will work to be a better homemaker for my family. In doing all that I will stay true to who I am because I am a good person inside.
My name is Tracy, I am a mom of Two, I am a wife, A Gemini, An animal lover, A daughter and I am also a procrastinator.